January, 2001 ------------------ Everything you NEED to know ----------------- Vol 1, Number 1
KEN SICK ELECTED MAYOR
Smith concedes after hotly-contested race
After a long and bitter campaign some say was the muddiest in Smalltown's history, Ken Sick emerged victorious over his rival for the office of mayor, Patrick Smith. The final tally after all votes had been counted was: Smith - 1, Sick - 1.1, after heavy voter turnout. Smith, though conceding defeat, nonetheless made it clear that he felt the numbers suggested electoral improprieties. Sick denied wrongdoing, but admitted that the tiebreaking 0.1 vote had been cast by his dog, Herbert, under an obscure 1882 electoral rule which permits the participation of small animals under 10 pounds in the democratic process. Under the rule, farm implements and machine tools may carry a 0.05 share of a vote with common household appliances making up a 0.02/vote proportion. Oddly enough, furniture and decorative items are not included under the provision. Smith, owner of the popular Hard Luck Cafe was nonplussed. "Hell," he was quoted as saying, "...if I'da known that, I woulda brought all them old refrigerators I got on my porch down to the polling place. That woulda foxed him!"
Smalltown mayoral candidate Patrick Smith may have underestimated voter disapproval of this involvement with the Brackishwater Land Development deal, according to Hugo Barker, policy analyst for the Ike and Tina Institute for Policy Studies, a Washington-area think tank. Barker, who had been following the campaign since its beginning, said he noticed a sea change in the public's perception of Smith following his disclosure of finances as required by electoral rules. Smith's approval rating dropped 17 points in the week immediately following the disclosure, which showed a large number of non-liquid assets having been transferred to Smith from the Brackishwater account at the troubled Smalltown Savings and Loan, including four pairs of Oshkosh overalls, a tackle box with an undisclosed quantity of live bait, several jars of mayonaise, and perhaps most damaging of all, three copies of National Geographic, all featuring articles about Polynesian natives. Smith was unavailable for comment. |
